Just Desserts!

I've always wondered whenever I've heard people talking, or writing about 'life altering' moments. That moment of truth when something inside you changes supposedly forever. A long-held belief, perception, attitude, mind-set, alters. It sets you on a path that is then your blue print to life.

Of course you and I and the hoi polloi don't get to be on Page 3 or the front covers of magazines and we're not talked about, or indulged by the media, because you and I are, well, just that...normal, ordinary, regular people (or so I would assume, and I know assumptions, interpretations are the mother of all fuck ups, but I'll chance it). So we don't make our millions, but we toil (what an archaic term, but then again, it's coming from someone archaic). We try and live honest lives, get completely embroiled in the daily chores and then struggle to get out of the vortex of our aspirations and desires. So no, you and I don't get interviewed and so the world never knows about the billions of regular people who have life-altering moments that sets many of them on the path to greatness.

Today, I had a 'moment'. I wouldn't call it life altering, but it certainly made me 'see'. What it did to me in the bargain is set me up for an emotional holocaust. Yes! When you realize certain not-so-nice-things about yourself and then you also realize that what you get from others is truly what you deserve, it is an indescribably raw moment. I won't go into the details of why I saw, what I saw. But it made my skin crawl. And you know what is worse? That you can't ask anyone for forgiveness, because they're in no mood to do as you bid. That even if, in your own mind, you plead guilty and try and see some justification, clutch at some stray goodness in the hope that it will obliterate all the badness, you know you won't get any forgiveness or understanding. That's bloody tough. Does it mean I've plundered, looted, raped? Well, not in the dictionary meaning of the term, but I have been a fearful dacoit of people's emotions and I'm getting the recoil. It's hit me in my solar plexus and a lot of things for me have changed, and will continue to change.

Relationships if nurtured can be desserts, if not, you get your just desserts! I'm getting mine and I don't know if I can live with this knowledge. And honestly, it doesn't matter how much you love, how much you do. It's about what's done that cannot be erased. That saying is so true, 'bricks and stones may break my bones, but words will never leave me'. My words spoken or written have caused pain to many. I don't know how to correct the wrong. I don't know, I really don't know....God! It hurts!