I wish I had a crystal ball!

Hey everyone out there, it's the New Year, 2008 and the 2nd week already. Trust it's been good thus far for everyone. It's been pretty ok for me, no complaints :).

Started off feeling very positive about the year and felt that whatever would happen would be very good etc. Just a very strong feeling don't ask me why. But it feels good to be positive believe you me. Especially when you're bogged down by your own negative and depressing thoughts, the positivity gives you energy. In fact my New Year resolutions (which I don't make in any earnestness) is about the 3 Ps - Positivity, Perseverance and Patience. Nice eh?

Let's hope that I stick to it. A lot of things will fall into place if I do. Road rage, career, mental stillness and thus confidence, etc.

Today however, is one of those days that I feel like just upping and leaving. And not looking back with regret. I am so conditioned to be conservative, cautious, fearful that it's become my DNA and so it seems that I will never be able to do what I crave for - which is to leave and do things other than what I'm currently doing. Why? Financial insecurity and the cushion that I again yearn for and am striving towards (aren't we all? Well, almost all, barring the lucky few who aren't?).

But day after day after day, weeks and months on end, one can't just be a bench warmer. I can't. I can actually advice people to stick it out and mouth platitudes such as so what, it's comfortable, the monies are coming in, no stress, what's your problem just hang in there, etc., but gosh! when it comes to self, I just can't. My mind needs to work, I need to be challenged, I need to feel valued, I need to feel that I'm contributing for the monies that I get paid, etc, etc. And the worst thing is to deal with guilt that am not doing much.

So the insane urge to up and leave. But it's the moment isn't it? It comes, you either seize it or it's gone. Well, I have some financial liabilities, and that's why am a wee bit worried if I do quit. What will I do if I quit? Oh what I've always wanted to do, be on my own and consult, free lance, be a retainer, etc. But the effort that I have to put into networking, sell my services, etc., is a wee bit daunting. But nothing gained if nothing risked right? I know all that, but but but...how do I take that plunge? I can manage for a few months without regular salary coming in, but not for long. So it'd be a make or break for me if I do decide to pursue this path or go back to the rut if it doesn't work, or get mired deeper in the rut I already am. Not so tough especially as I don't have kids and too many other liabilities and only my ma to look after who I love and like to spoil her.

So yes it's a dilemma...follow the heart and be free or listen to the mind and be chained forever?

Crystal ball, crystal ball, what's the fairest route of all?