Had to say it!

Am feeling low - so had to say it!
This feeling isn't alien to me, but still had to say it.

Want to soak up the sun on a beach and sip a lovely tall glass of some cool Long Island Iced Tea. This feeling ain't alient to me either, but still had to say it.

All the guys in my life sucked! It's of course on hindsight, and I knew it, but just saying out loud helps. Maybe they thought of me the same way, but right now who gives a damn! But it's wonderful just saying it out loud. There will be some who might take umbrage, but too bad sonny boy, you, you, you and you sucked! And big time! Had to had to had to say it.

Feeling lost in this big bad world, like Babe in the Woods, and wondering why, where, what, how is not alien to me at all. But had to say it.

There's a post that I want to do about domestic violence and what it does to my thinking of love and marriage and commitment. Ok, now that I've said it, I should do it too isn't it? I mean write about it dumbo :).

Carcasses of hit and run dogs on the road still do something to me and I can't seem to be unaffected by it. I've said this before and I'm saying it again. I can't deal with it somehow. And I don't know what the bloody hell to do about it, except drive over them, feel squeamish, think of getting out and giving that mass of blood and flesh some decent burial, oh I don't know dammit.

Am thinking of adopting a baby. Wow! I said that. (I'm bloody apprehensive but, yes, I don't think I will have babies of my own and that kills me of course, but what to do, that is life.).

I will never have monies enough to buy me a cruise ship or that big, mean, monstrous mansion with 3 swimming pools (and one of them heated mind you), or have that gorgeous Merc N-class (am sure they'll come out with the ultimate luxury machine), or have a private jet, or have diamonds dripping from my fingers and ears (ugh!!), or take off on a whim to Goa or Rio or the Riviera and have a blast at some party there, or shop for Manolo Blahnik shoes at Milan or of course wear Armani, Gucci, or Roberto Cavalli. I said that. That's the truth.

I will always be slightly depressed about many things in life that were not accomplished by me, or definitely have some regrets about what I said, did or didn't do at work or in my relationships. I said that too.

I will always fight weight. I will always wish I was beautiful to look at. I will always wish the men hadn't left me. I will always wish for a surprise birthday party. I will always wish I was 10 years younger. I will always wish I had my father around to see me become the woman I have. Damn! I said that. It hurts, it bloody well hurts, but I said it. God sometimes how I hate all the girls who are their 'daddy's little princess' and have adoring fathers who sing and dance and dedicate songs to them and what not. Damn damn damn!

I will always be a bloody emotional fool. I will always be weak willed when it comes to gorging on sweets. I will always aspire for the above mentioned 'good life' (that's the way I define it, yeah, am just another ordinary herd-minded woman, God, I said that too). I will always find fault in myself and wish I was perfect. I will always want my friends to completely adore me and pamper me and be completely loyal and faithful to me. Yes yes yes, I said all that.

Oh God! I don't think I can say any more, because I'm actually feeling so bloody low and so misty eyed and so teary, that I feel like a jerk myself right now. (Did I just say that?).

I wish I could just have...no I won't say that.