Why is everything so important?
In one of my recent posts I'd mentioned how my relationship with everything was changing. I was feeling better about some aspects of it. My counsellor says it's a sign of a quiet confidence, of maturity, of hope that life can go on and go on fairly well despite and inspite of everything going wrong.
I know I can sense a certain strength and do not quake at every single tremor. But the tremor that I currently face in my life vis-a-vis my relationship is Richter 9.4. Yes, it's threatening to consume me and make mince meat of my supposed 'quiet confidence' and emboldened statements of 'relationship with this and that is changing'. Hah!
I think I've always maintained that relationships are important. And maybe because they're so important that I make a mess of it. The need for things to be just so, the need for the harps to thrum and angels to appear and birds to sing and chirp and rainbows to appear is so great, that I think I forget the 'real'ness of life on Planet E.
Well, let me not be so harsh on myself. It's so easy for me to be harsh on myself. It's so easy for me to feel as if I'm always the wrong one. It's so easy for me to feel guilty. It's so easy for me to say sorry. But now, I mull over the statements I'm so ready to pronounce on self. I'm not so keen to think that I'm the wrong one. I guess that's evolution eh?
But suffice to say that I'm troubled. So troubled that I can't think of anything else. I feel numbed. I feel hopeful and yet I feel defeated. I feel like being a typical Bollywood heroine and beating my head against the wall while entreating the Almighty, and yet I feel a small ray of hope. I don't want to say I'm cursed and it's me, but don't know what else to do really. God knows I care. And how! But God also knows best. I can't compel anyone to feel anything. I can't rave and rant and threaten and immolate myself or do something melodramatic. Earth rotates, breaths continue to be taken, time continues to tick, night follows day and so the story goes, that we keep walking.
But really, why is it that this is so important? Especially if it's ashes to ashes and dust to dust...and everything is maya. I once told myself that I wouldn't ever ask why. But God leaves me no choice...I think it's time He answered a few questions. I can't always be on the receiving end. And it can't always be 'it's not you'.
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
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4 comments:
In times of unfamiliarity stick to what you know, batton down the hatches, put on water proofs, make sure you have a good supply of essentials and wait out the storm.
I'm sure that in time it will pass
>>pruv - Storms usually leave destruction and waster in its wake. I want the storm to pass, taking behind the awful things. I don't know what to do really. I want to be greedy and ask for so much. But I always mess it up.
Guess it's all about some retribution, some punishment for God knows what!
Hey babes,
As pruvetc said above, this too shall pass. But (negative me talking) says that this passes only to bring in something just as painful.
In times like these there is one thing I do which sort of helps.
1. Know that no amount of prayer is going to drastically change your life. You are not going to win the lottery and the man of your dreams isnt going to come knocking tonight.
2. So, put yourself 5 years down the line. What would RM have want looking back? More specifically what would RM want 5-years-younger RM to be doing now?
Thats your god, that the only one who knows, understand and can help. Yourself, older and wiser.
Try it.
Much love and deepest apologies for not being around. You got my mail?
Hey Priya,
Lady it's been a while and thank God you're alive. Sent you SMS but no reply. Sent email but no reply. Commented and no reply. Was worried...good to hear from you.
I haven't checked your mail...will do. Haven't been doing much except being a zombie, being a nervous wreck, being a pain in the arse for most people (including me) and being intolerable and feeling completely lost and hopeless and helpless and in pain.
So will read it for sure...and you take care.
Have enough love despite all that's going on around me and with me. So here's a warm hug and thank you for your lovely words.
Good questions to ask...makes me think... :).
Hope you're doing well.
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