The Morning After!

I had a good cry last night. I've had many such at various points in time. Approaching middle age, I'm constantly plagued by existential questions. Some would call it mid-life crisis. But I've been haunted by such questions ever since I can remember. What makes me happy? Why I don't want to do what I currently do. What should I do? Where should I run away and make my home? Will I be an old haggard idiosyncratic spinster and be full of bitterness and sarcasm as I didn't think life had handed out to me a fair deal? Would I be able to bear being alone after my mother's death? How long will I be able to handle the traffic before going completely insane? Am I overreacting to everything? Will I ever be at the top of my career? What is 'top of my career'? Is there a God above? What is the meaning of self-belief? How can I be more positive and be a better person? Am I someone who has noble intentions but can never sustain it? So am I a starter but not a completer? Does that make me a non-starter? What do I do with my resolutions year after year after year? What do I really want? What does happiness mean? Is money really that unimportant? When Eckhart Tolle says, 'pain body' and the 'mind is not really you', what does he mean? Am I a genuinely nice person? If so, why do I cause so much hurt and pain to the one person I love the most - my mother? Am I supposed to forgive myself even after causing hurt in a show of unconditional love for self? Does that work? How? Why? Why do we really bare our fangs to those who actually care and are concerned for us? We say 'rat race' but is it so easy to give it all up and not be part of this maddening 'race'? Will I ever finish the race? Is it good or bad or ugly to be emotional? Do I like financial independence? Why do I lack the belief to be an entrepreneur? Is it fear? Fear of what - failure, sustenance, completeness, security, financial security and prestige? Any one or some or all of the above? If so how do some make a go of it and are successful? I want to write a book and have a couple of ideas - will I ever write one? I ask all these questions, but do I have to have the answers? If not, who has and will I be satisfied with the answers? Will I be able to adopt a baby? Is it essential for a man to vindicate my existence as a woman? Do we all get into this kind of rut and ask ourselves similar questions? By asking these does it make me a lesser person? Will I be considered a self-centred, self-absorbed and vainglorious person? And if so, by whom? And will it matter? Should it matter? If not, why? How do people survive the onslaught of modern day stresses? Is going to a spa and spending 3k on a massage the answer to momentary nirvana? What is nirvana? Why are we such a self-centred, soul-less and corrupt nation? Is there hope for us? Is there hope for me?

It's the morning after and I did have a good cry. A long hard look at myself. Most things I couldn't fathom or brushed under the carpet as I didn't have time to analyse, but there were some things I didn't even like. Not really sure what to do. It's a burden of knowing and not knowing.

The morning after - the earth hasn't moved.