Oh blimey!

I couldn't think of a better title. It's one of those days. Yes! Just one of those blessed days you know. You don't wake up thinking you're going to feel a certain way, but as the day wears on, it wears you down.

The same old dogged fears and negative thoughts and the same old heavy baggage starts to gently gnaw at you and tug at you like a pup would at your ankles. So you're in a dilemma - should I shoo it away or pick it up and cuddle it and play with it because it's so lovable? :) The allegory here is one's thoughts to a puppy. Yes, sometimes I don't make sense. Actually most times I don't, sometimes more than most.
Ummm..yes familiar thoughts are like adorable pups. You're so comfortable when they lodge in your mind and heart that you don't have the heart to shoo them away. Unlike pups, familiar and depressing thoughts are dangerous and they have a ruthless and insidious way of eating into your innards and ruining your day, your life actually.

I've been battling with thoughts such as these for as long as I remember. And it really does wear me down. I get fed up of feeling, thinking, writing, analysing, talking about the same old things that worry me, and eventually will kill me.

So I was listening to Sudha Murthy talk onTV today. She doesn't appear in interviews as often as maybe her more illustrious and famous husband, N R Narayan Murthy, the man who could be President of the nation (?). She said how money is not important at all to her and how shopping makes her so uncomfortable. And it struck me that a lot of people who've come into wealth, or built wealth and seen unimaginable wealth eventually say, 'money isn't important'. But they say it after the fact. Because till such time one has experienced it, one is striving for the very same thing that is not 'important'. But anyway, guess it's the truth and each one has to run their own marathon to arrive at theirs.

So why did I bring that up? Because I want to get away from the things that bother me and upset me and disappoint me and cause me to be vitriolic and caustic and all that is not right. Age, body, success, money, relationships, perceptions, reality, oh the whole gamut. I clothe them in these broad parameters so that I don't have to go into specifics, but yes, it's the same bloody thing over and over and over again. I know I'm striving to be more positive and I've come a long way, but it's never enough. And then I think to myself, if everyone who supposedly is more experienced and enlightened says nothing is permanent, then why am I worried about such transient matters? Everyone grows old, every body undergoes change, success is relative, money is impermanent (even though it makes the world go round), perceptions are as constant as change, reality - what's that? and finally relationships. Relationships are sustenance, substance, and life itself. In any and every form with any and every thing and every being, animate and inanimate.

So er..what's the point that I'm trying to make? Am I trying to make a point or as usual am writing some shitty piece of nonsense that is just a mass of words that is meandering in the labyrinths of my mind. Don't know.

Like I said it's just one of those days. Where you want to be everything that you know you are not. Where you want to experience everything that you know you won't. Where you want and you know you won't get. Maybe it's PMS - post menstrual syndrome.

Yes, it's just one of those days. Oh blimey!

PS - Cheeni Kam is a nice movie. It makes you want to believe in love. Well, yeah, that stupid little four letter word denoting some stupid little emotion that the whole world goes ga ga over and tries to demystify it or elevate it or decode it and how it's not stupid at all and how I wish... jumpin'lizards and all that blimey!

PPS - I like the word chutzpah! My friend Merriam Webster says:
Etymology: Yiddish khutspe, from Late Hebrew huspAh