Something, Everything, Anything & Nothing

I'm given to mood swings. It used to be incorrigible when I was a collegian, and in my career early on, am sure people hated me. Though the number of friends I have from each of the places I worked in belies the fact, but nevertheless, I know that I can be quite a boor and must've been quite intolerable. I would've hated myself if I had to deal with me when I was in one of those moods.

Of course there are reasons for the mood swings, and today at this stage in life, I would go far as to say, am fairly even-keeled. Fairly being the operative word. And then there are days when everything goes off in a blur. The present is nowhere in sight, the future always seems bleak and the past, oh the past is so clear. :) it is this past that has a stranglehold on my soul. Of course now I'm beginning to see it for what it is, without being biased or emotional about it. But because it is such an integral part of my DNA I can't do away with it completely and be apathetic about it.

But off late, life has been swinging a bit wildly for my own liking. I don't mind living on the edge, but not on the edge of a branch of a tree that seems to be holding on for dear life before breaking off and hurtling me towards a miserable end. Off late, the personal and professional have been worrisome. Various reasons, which are logical and true can be stated for the reason of the turmoil. But reasons inexplicable are the ones that run through the heart and soul. That is something that I need to weed out.

I wonder sometimes when people mention that 'xyz' was the turning point in their life. A film, a person, a moment, a piece of music, a book, something, anything. What I find intriguing is how do they know it, that 'this' is the moment that changed their life. Or set them on a path from which there was no turning back? We've all read inspirational, motivational, courageous stories of people overcoming. We marvel at their grit and determination. And wonder 'how did he/she do it?' The imagery of the pain, the courage, the faith, the perserverance envelope us and we get momentarily inspired to say, 'wow!I'm going to do it too. I'm going to pursue my dreams'. And then life happens and we get into the rut of everyday living. But then for some of us, these stories transcend the ordinary and go on to become life-altering.

I wish I could feel so much or get inspired by someone or something so much that I start dreaming in a determined fashion. It's never happened to me. Maybe it will. But hopefully I won't wait for that moment to catalyse my plans towards fruition of my dreams. Hopefully I will find it in me to believe in myself and take the plunge. I'm a good swimmer. I'm sure I won't sink.

But then, fear has always been the key.