Same old same old!

Ex-colleague/ friend/ client ignores all my emails - payment is due that's why? Don't know. It's horrible.

Someone I know takes me out (considering I paid more, maybe it was me taking him out), cosies up, shares a few intimate text messages, and then it's silence. What gives!

Someone I've started writing to and who actually responds and writes well seemed exciting to know. It had a few possibilities. Then came along Junior (his son). And the 'few' dwindles to a 'uh oh' possibility. Why me?

Client sends back document with loads of changes - if they've written the content then why do they need me? - and am not sure what exactly do I edit and how exactly do I rewrite?

Good day eh?

Mixed Bag!

Just pretty much alone you know!
Yup, they're there, where they should be. Friends, family, ex-colleagues, relatives and so on.
When I think of all the posts that I've written and how many of them talk of the pain, grief, loneliness, etc., that I go through, it stops me from penning any more on the same.

But at the same time, today is one of those rare days in a long time I must admit, that I've felt really really really low and alone. My mind was searching for all those I could speak with and came up with a blank.

So anyway, wine, chicken, powerful, attractive, successful women friends sharing their view of how they're leading life and so it was a good evening spent.

And you return home driving through a mist of tears wondering, 'what did I do wrong'? and then quickly dabbing the tears with a tissue as you can't have your mother wondering and enquiring.
Tiring all this can be, but c'est la vie!

So am on my own now! No job, not too many friends who care, not too much family who care, and not sure if I can make a living on my own writing about stuff that I don't really care about.
But the 'on my own path' is something that I chose. The rest happened to me.

Ok, am done.

The world of make believe!

I love movies. I love the way my mind is switched off from reality for the 2 or 3 hours that I watch a movie. I saw one today. It was about love. About how irrespective of the era, generation or time or circumstances, love does make the world go round :).

I don't know if I'm seeking it. Maybe I am. Somewhere deep down am afraid to admit that I won't ever find it.
So it's about a begrudging acceptance of that and while it's not so bad and the end of the world et al, it still feels like I am looking at a chasm of loneliness. Is that so bad? Not if I can fill up that chasm with all the good things life is made up of - friends, hobbies, music, food, books - I've deliberately left out sex. Cause right now in my life it's left out lol!

Oh how wish I could make my world to be a world of make believe instead of wincing at the thought of going and doing mundane things at work. Instead of wondering when the mundane will become enriching and fun and wondering how long I'll have to give myself self-help lessons in positive thinking!

Well, can't have the reel thing, but the real thing they say is always better. Dare I say it?

Bank on yourself!

The article by the same name in today's edition of the Sunday Times struck me. It was one of those 'Oh my God' moments when you go, 'yes' and no it's not the orgasmic 'yes'. I knew what was troubling me, I knew why and it felt wonderful to acknowledge it. It was as if a burden had been lifted.

There's chaos in my life. I've been brushing it under the carpet so often in the past and not succumbing to the emotions, that I have (maybe had?) become cold, hard nosed and often an alien even to myself I think.

But this too shall pass. For I am making attempts at re-discovering who I am. It's exciting and exhilarating for most. For me, it hurts, it's painful and I'm a wee bit frightened. What if I don't like who I am and I find out I actually am the hard nosed bitch that people see me as? Brrrrr!

But I have to bank on myself. No one else. I will keep the faith. It's moved mountains, I've heard. What's a poor lil me in comparison!

Jesus! It's been very long!

Jauary! That was when I last posted a post. Phew! What have I been doing honestly!

I've been writing. Yes! But only in my head.

I've lost so much in these past few months. So so so much.

And I'm trying to regain it all. How? Don't know. Maybe by doing things that I've loved doing and stopped.

Maybe this is a start. Maybe.

I hope it is. I sure hope to God it is!

What a beginning...

...to the year. It's 13 days old, no, 14 days old to the minute and it's been hectic already.

Mind? Abuzzzzzz!
Body? Abuzzzzz!
Spirit? Abuzzzzz!
So much to do. So much to say. So much to write. So much to think.
Where do I begin?

At the beginning. But what is the beginning? Now that's another story.
(But I'm back and thanks pruv for thinking of me, and thanks GOTJ for remembering me).
So are you abuzzzzz? Buzz me!

Aloha 2009!

No lists.
No resolutions.
No 'rewind 2008'.
No 'hits and misses'.
No 'so what did you do for New Year's eve?'
No 'it's recession time, so just a house party'!
No '100 or 50 or 10 must do, must have, must see, things'.
No 'How to live 2009 happily ever after'.

Just joy at the thought that I may, just may have got over my block. I haven't written in 3 months! That's a bit much for someone like me. Even for lethargic, slob, procrastinator, hyperventilating, 'won't write ever because am so hurt, or depressed or rejected' me, is a bit much.

Don't know why I haven't written. But am not going to do a case study analysis on the why. Lots of reasons, but hey, I didn't write. I should have, could have, would have, wanted to and so on and so forth. I didn't. I am writing now.

Right! Hope, love, laughter, health, joy, sorrow, pain, incredulous and incredible happiness, grief, beauty, wonder, innovation, splendour, friends, relatives, family, disease, frustration, anger, fury, patience, death, peace are all anchored after a year of travelling around the globe.

Here's to you, you and you and of course to me and aloha 2009! With dollops of what we'd like to weed out of that 'list' above and what we'd like quadrupled.

So, er.. what's your resolution? :)

Commitment = Passion?

Every time I feel miserable about what I'm doing at work, how people react, respond, do, not do, I start wondering. Is it always me vs. 'them', this invisible 'them' consisting of everyone in Galaxy Work or is it just my attitude and mind set?
I come across many articles by various people both established and even those who are not so well known. The common refrain in all their sound bytes is 'have passion, love what you do, and success will follow'.
I am known as a passionate person. Maybe it's the way I speak, maybe it's just my work that speaks, or that I'm a sucker for compliments. Let's keep that aside for a bit. The point is I have passion for life I think. Have I found the one thing above all else that I love to do in terms of a career, profession, work? Maybe not. But I am committed. When I do something I like to do it well. When I am given responsibility to see through something, I do it. Somehow the 'C' word assumes tremendous importance in my lexicon. (I wonder maybe that's why I have failed relationships. Men are commitment phobic when it comes to me). In fact the anger stems as a result of the dependencies and I more often than not find that I'm doing more than my scope of work. Is it unique to me? Perhaps not. Am sure a whole universe of such individuals exist and have probably faced it sometime or the other? Maybe that's why we have 'shirkers', 'doers', 'thinkers', 'pass the buck'ers, 'take the credit'ers and so on.

Is commitment therefor in my DNA or something that I deeply believe in? I haven't really analysed it and I don't think my counselling sessions have come up with an answer as to why 'commitment' is soooo.....important!Be that as it may, I think, commitment is present only if passion walks hand in hand with it. You may be committed to doing something but you may not do it well, or you may do it half-heartedly or do it like it's a millstone around your neck. But if you are bereft of passion, then it's like being sterile.

So is passion alone enough to take you through life?
Or is commitment alone enough? Or are both necessary?
And are they mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive?
Can passion frighten away people due to the intensity one has for it?
Is success a given if you have passion?
Where does commitment fit in?
Or is this all humbug and all we should do and understand is 'hard work'?
Would 'hard work', 'passion' and 'commitment' comprise the Holy Trinity of Success?

I don't know. I know I'm committed and I'm passionate and I work hard. But...

Happyness Quotient!

MENSA, IQ, EQ - we all have them, and there are measures for all of these. Each one of them tells you against some pre-determined, pre-defined parameters, how intelligent you are, how caring or sensitive you are or how emotional you are, and so on.
As per some recent studies conducted somewhere (who conducts these studies anyway and who funds these studies and what happens after they study all these traits of human beings and what are social scientists doing about it), Indian youth are supposed to be the happiest. Really? Wow! Really now!

Maybe they should do the same for the middle aged population and find out the Happyness Quotient (yes, Happyness is Happiness but thanks to Will Smith I quite like this spelling). I'm curious. Curious because I want to know if my hunch is correct, about the state of mind of urban, educated, in their 30s, youth of India. And if they're not unhappy and prove my hunches wrong, then I definitely want to know how they manage to retain their HQ and why. It'd be an interesting study. And the study should be conducted with some 200,000 youth across Tier I and Tier II cities. Maybe that would be a good indicator, though 0.02% of the population may not really be a good sample size, but then it should do I guess.

I really do want a new line of thinking, a new attitude and a new perspective. I think I shall go shopping and see if a 'sale' is on somewhere. Buy 1 and get 2 free would be a good investment.

Or better still, it'd be great if happyness was bottled and on sale. Now wouldn't that be something!

What if the stabiliser destabilises?

So I was on the pot and reading. Am sure a whole host of us do. It helps pass the time when you're waiting to download (thank you technology for giving us what has now become such a generic term).

And the mind then wandered to a conversation I had had about the voltage fluctuation and of the erratic power supply situation in the Silicon City. The conversation was simple and not intellectual - "You know I was sitting with my neighbours and their TV just went phut! Poor souls, they'd just bought a 42" Flat TV, so beautiful, but there was a flash (not in the pan) and a blank screen. They'd just bought it a month and a half ago. They had to pay Rs.3,000/- more for some part and it's ok now. Retired souls and the TV costs more than Rs.40,000/-."

"Yes, my cousin you know was so startled, her mixer grinder spewed some sparks, it chortled and it threw its lid in the air with a flourish like a magician and then, nothing."

So the conversation then veered to other equally interesting but mundane day-to-day stuff. So while sitting on the pot, I thought I just had to get a 'stabiliser' for my new TV and Home Theatre system. I'd be heartbroken and probably die if something were to happen to them thanks to the power supply. Then my mind wandered to the fact that a few weeks ago, our stabiliser (is it with an 's' or a 'z'? Hmm..depends if I want to be a Yankee or a true blue Brit), which we'd got for our refrigerator had a problem. So we called an electrician and after many weeks of 'bas aaj le aaonga' (will get it today, just now), he finally returned it glumly and said it couldn't be fixed. So ma went and bought another one. The stabiliser was about 5 years old and had served us well and had seen many an electric roller coaster ride. Guess it's time had come.

But that's an electrical appliance and most things have a shelf life. Including humans. But what would I do if the 'stabiliser' in my life, my mother, had some problem and couldn't serve and function as one takes for granted? I know my home, my work, my finances, everything would be in a state of utter disruption and turmoil. Unlike the above electrical appliance, I wouldn't be able to go and buy another one and replace ma. Ma's are all irreplaceable. So also the human 'stabilisers' in our lives. Be it our husbands, our wives, brothers, uncles, siblings, children, whatever you consider the factor/s for lending a certain sense of stability in your life.

My car's taken for granted. My work's almost taken for granted, though in this day and age of 'shut shop' and increasing M & As, that cannot be taken for granted, salaries, life style, a certain service, etc. Basically things have to 'just be' for us to think that life is stable and the 'stabilisers' are functioning. We take everything so much for granted including relationships. And if someday, any day, any one of those predefined stabilisers stop functioning or are in some turmoil, we sit and ponder. We regret, we wish, we remember, we resolve. And if things are righted and we're back on the stable path, then life's once again ok, stable, stabilisers in place and we're off on our merry way, ho hum.

Our need to latch on to something that gives our lives stability seems to be such an innate need. Ironically everything in life is really so unstable. Even our very own earth is bubbling under and then we have volcanic eruptions. We even have coined our feel-good phrases - 'Change is good,' 'Change is the only constant', and so on.

But I know that life would not be the same for me if my stabiliser had a malfunction. Stabilisers can have a bad day too you know. Maybe it's time for us to redefine, relook and rework our relationships with our stabilisers. However much life is transient and ever changing I need my stabiliser/s. They keep me sane.